im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
