i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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