You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
