my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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