It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
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Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
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Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
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