It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
