that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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