I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
