someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
