there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
