i would punch a child for taco bell
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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