what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
