I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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