New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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