I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
