You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
