my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
