when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
