And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
