i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
She's the barista slut.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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