Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
