just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
