you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
