I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Redeem this text for a blowjob
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
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