You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
