I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
