Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
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Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
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I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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