Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
