The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
