meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Randomize
