Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
