i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
