K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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