At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
