Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
