Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
