I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
