I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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