you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
