i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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