He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
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What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
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The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
i think my cat just said my name.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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