My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
