Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
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