the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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