I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
