Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
