Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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