I hate your face
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I forgot how hot balto sounded
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize