I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
