Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
