Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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