Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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