A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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