so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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