do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize