You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
