my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
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